Not your Mom's Cross Stitches Bitches.

Hey there. I was spending some down time searching ETSY and other great handmade sites for something that would make me laugh.

 Sweet hell did I score today.

 My question is why did this stuff not come up in the last search I made with the same key words? I guess the world of meta tagging and algorithmic details are beyond my understanding at this stage in my life but let me perfectly honest, if I search for funny and this guy does not come up on the first page then the internet is failing us all. You too, You have been failed.

 I wish I could publish just the simple communication this guy wrote. Just funny.  (I actually could publish it but then what will have for myself really?) Please sit down, Enjoy a nice beverage and read this interview. If you do not laugh at this you are dead. (To me at least.)

Tell us your name, where you are from/live and anything else you think we should know.

Hi, I’m Pete Seazle from West Seattle, Washington.  I am the sole proprietor of CrassCross on Etsy.  I make humorous, obnoxious, and erotic cross stitch art.  Not all three at the same time, though.  That would take talent.  In my spare time, I play the Editor-At-Large for the West Seattle Funblog (www.westseattlefunblog.com), a local satire page that specializes in fake news and crude humor.  I like cooking, dogs, and am infatuated by small shiny objects.  Please note that said “cooking comma dogs”.  Not “cooking dogs”.  Dogs should be served tartare.

How and when did you discover your humor? (Go on and on if you must. We really want to know)

I don’t think humor is something you discover.  In fact, I’m pretty sure it comes at the exact moment of birth if it comes at all.  There’s not much of an audience during that 9-month gestation period, so I consider the womb to be like the green room where you work on your material.  And then it’s show time!  They make you look at your mom naked and then thrust you into the bright lights.  And you’re naked.  Instant limelight, naked, in front of your mother, who is also naked.  If you don’t develop a sense of humor right then and there, you’re pretty much screwed for the next 80-odd years.

Do you have any funny stories about a buyer scenario?

I create custom cross stitch patterns as well, so people will come to me with their ideas for what’s funny and I find that whole process humorous.  I had a woman ask me to design a pattern that said simply “That’s that shit I don’t like” with a fancy schmancy border.  I didn’t ask why and really didn’t need to know.  It was funny enough just like that.  Another woman asked me to design a pattern of Beyonce, The Giant Metal Chicken with the quote “knock, knock motherfucker”.  https://www.etsy.com/listing/111013992/pattern-funny-cross-stitch-beyonce-the. That one I had to ask about and I’m glad I did.  It was based on this hysterical blog post by The Bloggess.  

 http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

What has pissed you off the most about being in this handmade life?

I think people who don’t pay attention and then get pissed off at me because they didn’t pay attention piss me off the most. I make cross stitch PATTERNS.  Each pattern says it’s a pattern and then it says “pattern” again and then just for fun I end each listing with “pattern pattern ferfuxake it’s a PATTERN”.  And then they PayPal me $5 and expect a 4,000-stitch framed cross stitch piece to show up at their door in Tucson.  One: I just make patterns and am pretty sure I stated that.  Two: The math doesn’t make sense.  That would be like $0.12 an hour for my work.  Kids in sweat shops in Shandong, China making sneakers make more than that.  And Three: I would never EVER do business in Tucson.  I went to a Walmart in Tucson once.  It was clearly where inbreeding was invented.

Where do you think your unique ideas and creations come from?

It’s a pretty simple recipe.  Its one part my twisted brain and two parts internet.  When I first started creating my own designs and posting them on Facebook, a friend said “That’s cute, Seazle. But I won’t be impressed until you can design one that captures the essence of twat waffle.”  I love a challenge.  It’s now one of my best sellers.  https://www.etsy.com/listing/101036196/pattern-funny-cross-stitch-twat-waffle

What advise would you give to someone that wants to do what you do?

Oh, I’d make a great mentor.  I’d tell people “Don’t put that in your mouth. You have no idea where that’s been.  That’s just disgusting.  Are you new?”  And then I’d encourage them to stay out of the cross stitch pattern racket and get a good education.  Honestly, I don’t want the competition.  Run along now, kids.  Back to your dorm.

 If you could live anywhere where would it be and why?

 Tucson.  I’d rule that place with an iron fist.  It’d be like playing dodge ball with first graders.  They’d have no chance in hell and I’d end up with all the milk money.  Only, I’d turn it into booze and hooker money.   Milk is for squares.  Tucson would totally be my bitch.

Who, if anyone, has helped you along the way to assist in getting you to where you are?

I’d have to give credit to my better half, Patty Seazle.  She supports me in my dedication to my art and is excellent for bouncing ideas around.  She’s also a firecracker in the sack.  Oh, and my mother, Nana Seazle.  Again, it was that first glimpse of her naked that made me who I am today.

Where do you see your business going from here?

I’d like to be more crass, but I just don’t know how to get there.  Once you’ve cross stitched a waffle with a vagina, well, let’s just say I might have set the bar a little high in the crass department.  So if I can’t be more crass, then I want to decide who lives and dies.  Watch out, Tucson

Now just write something completely unrelated to this interview:

I once saw John Wayne Gacy at the mall in Mt. Prospect, IL.  I was about 9 years old and this was right before they caught him and found the bodies back in the 70's.  When I saw his picture in the paper, I knew I’d seen him before, that he was that guy hanging out at Randhurst.  I knew I just dodged a bullet, cheated death, barely made it out alive and all that nonsense.  But it inspired me to do great things with my life.  I don’t know what great things yet, but in the mean time, I just keep making obnoxious cross stitch art.  I won’t cross stitch clowns though.  I think Gacy ruined clowns for a lot more people than he actually murdered.  It really was a sad story, all the senseless killing.  I think it would have been a lot funnier if it had been a little boy who went around and murdered clowns

Go to his shop on ETSY.com now. 

-FIN-